If you didn't know better, Hugh Hefner would just be your average geriatric in a nightclub, wearing a captain's hat and falling asleep surrounded by 30 beautiful women. But he isn't. He's Hugh effing Hefner, people, and he's unsurprisingly taken so many women back to Gollum's lair his bedroom that he's lost track.

"How could I possibly know? Over a thousand, I'm sure," the 86-year-old mogul told Esquire. "There were chunks of my life when I was married, and when I was married I never cheated. But I made up for it when I wasn't married. You have to keep your hand in."

Hey, was that a euphemism, Hef? Because that's actually really gross.

Anyway, he's out of the game now (except for Pinochle -- all old people play Pinochle) thanks to his recent marriage to 26-year-old Crystal Harris, to whom he says he's completely committed. And "til death do you part" means a lot more when you're his age.

"I just feel very, very fortunate to have found her at this stage in my life. I saved the best till last," he said about her.

Just don't ask his new wife about their sex life. When HuffPost Live did that last month, Harris said, "Since Hef is older now and has had the phase of his life -- the phases of all the girlfriends and all that kind of stuff -- I feel now is more, you know like cuddling up and watching a movie or playing backgammon."

Asked more pointedly whether or not they actually have conjugal visits, Crystal would only laugh and say, "Ah, I'm not gonna -- no comment."

All that and she's not in the will? Maybe it really is love after all.