Lessons in Manhood — According to Kanye West Tweets
Kanye West is the man of all men. Come on, he landed the hottest Kardashian– the “perfect bitch” as he recently called her.
Basically, the guy has this whole testosterone thing down. But you might not know just how much cryptic man wisdom Kanye has to offer via his Twitter account.
Pay attention, because you can’t get this kind of manhood counsel anywhere else. Here are some lessons on manhood for Kanye West’s random tweets.
I hate long ass sideburns with the line up RnB beard
— Kanye West (@kanyewest) May 5, 2012
Lose the sideburns. Long side sideburns might garner the attention of a few freaky ladies, but they sure as hell don’t seal the deal. No real man wants to even remotely resemble Hugh Jackman circa his Wolverine mutton chop days. Wait, forget it– that’d be pretty badass. Just do yourself a favor and listen to Kanye: shave that ugly RnB beard off.
Pardon me… do you have any crepe chiffon? — Kanye West (@kanyewest) February 5, 2012
Pardon your anti-man questions. Using a polite and chivalrous “pardon me” before asking for crepe chiffon, or any sort of dainty fabric for that matter, automatically cancels out the massive man points you just lost when performing said request. It has the same effect on your girlfriend: “Pardon me, do you have any idea where the hell my lotion went?” Check it out: You just got that lotion back and your manhood is still intact. Bam.
Perfect the art of the haiku. Find beauty in the small things, like a persimmon from an ebony tree in Argentina. Woman love that crap. If we look at Kanye’s example, notice he used “ebony” instead of black. Pay close attention to poetic language– it’s an instant panty-dropper. Listen, just suck up the weird-ass poetry and channel your inner #haikuswag. Trust us– it’ll pay off later tonight.
Sketching Yeezi 3s… no I don’t want herb chicken or the cheese tortellini … I want to sketch
— Kanye West (@kanyewest) December 28, 2011
Never settle for the cheese tortellini. Whether you’re sketching Yeezie3s for your latest sneaker line or Googling pictures of Kate Upton pre-Victoria’s Secret (Seriously, do it now.), you should never, ever get interrupted for herb chicken, cheese tortellini, or any other pathetic excuse of a meal. Were you offered the thickest slab of T-bone with a vat full of A-1? OK, you might want to reconsider. Otherwise, just stick to Googling a half-naked Kate. And delete your browsing history before your girlfriend gets home.
I know this is not a very rapper thing to say but I haven’t bought a new car or piece of jewelry in about 2 years… — Kanye West (@kanyewest) January 5, 2012
Admit your shortcomings. You know what, it’s pretty damn embarrassing when a guy admits he hasn’t gotten a new car or piece of bling in over two years. Talk about a major blow to his manhood. But you know what? It also takes a man to admit it. Kanye did to his 8 million Twitter followers, so who’s to say we can’t come clean about our newfound weakness for Lifetime movies or wine spritzers? We said that hypothetically — we don’t like either. WE LOVE THEM!
Good logic tells me smile Kanye… the world likes you again… red or blue pill? … aaaaand Swallow lol
— Kanye West (@kanyewest) January 5, 2012
LOL is your go-to disclaimer. Do we have any clue what the hell Kanye’s talking about? No idea. Does it matter? Not at all. The important lesson here is this: say the most bizarre crap ever, end it with a “LOL”, and everyone will think you’re just a badass, pill-swallowing jokester. And you know how much women love badass, pill-swallowing jokesters.