Jennifer Aniston Is Already Married, Miranda Lambert Had a Showdown With the Other Woman + More In This Week’s Tabloids
We read Us Weekly, OK!, Star, Life & Style and In Touch this week — so you didn’t have to. Feel free to thank us later.
This week, we learned Kate Middleton is craving sugary foods, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux were secretly married (and then replaced with Folgers crystals), Blake Shelton made Miranda Lambert have a showdown, Khloe Kardashian-Odom was rejected by her real father, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Secrets of the Royal Baby have been revealed to Us Weekly. The couple has already chosen a girl’s name, which – according to bookmakers – is not likely to be Camilla. Kate has a cute nickname for her bump – definitely not “the great belt loosener” – as well as sugary cravings and yoga workouts. Also, Harry checks up on her when Will’s away. Fully clothed, we assume.
Wynonna Judd told the mag exclusively, “I watched my love almost die.” Apparently, Judd had a heart-shaped cactus she named Love – except as it turns out, she’s not that good at taking care of plants, so Love the cactus nearly shriveled up. Coincidentally, her husband’s name is also Cactus. Also coincidentally, this is not actually what happened. But hey, it could have.
Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been torn apart by jealousy. This is much less physically damaging than being torn apart by wolves, and slightly easier on the ego than being torn apart by Joan Rivers. However, it does change the color of your hair and suck you through a wormhole back to Australia. It also makes you mildly more interesting for about 10 minutes.
We got an itsy bitsy glimpse inside Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s baby shower. Everyone was overdressed and also pregnant. There was a cake made of diapers. All the gifts were way too expensive, but also gender-neutral so the child won’t become confused until at least junior high. We looked expectantly through all the photos, but there was no actual showering to be found. Sorry. We know that would have been hot.
Big surprises in OK! Magazine, where we learned that Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux are finally married. At least in tabloid-speak. What this really means is that they went out somewhere and had their photo taken in clothing that could also double as wedding-wear on the cover of a tabloid. But their closest friend says it was a magical day. Of course, most magic isn’t real, so read into that what you will.
Also, there’s an update on Jen’s mythical twins. Are we talking about her boobs again?
Anyway, you’ll also get the exclusive story on how Kendra Wilkinson lost 10 pounds in 10 days. Don’t miss the annual “puffed up” cover pic of Kendra next to an attractive “slimmed down” photo with the usual caption about shedding a pound a day. Do wonder if somewhere there is a lost-and-found box at OK! that’s full of the 10 pounds KW keeps losing every year.
In some exciting news, photos of Prince Harry and Jennifer Lawrence appeared above the exclamation “It’s love!” This absolutely means that J. Law is the new Duchess-to-be, even though Harry and Jen have never been seen together. Yes, everyone wants to double-date with them, but so far all we’ve got is a rumor that Harry finds the actress crush-worthy. Like we all do. OMG ARE WE DATING HER WITHOUT OUR KNOWLEDGE TOO?
Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are together again – and just in time to hit the newsstands with all the other recycled faux news. This amazing feat defies the space-time continuum or proves that R-Patz has a clone since he’s still in Australia after wrapping filming for ‘The Rover.’ These two are an exceptional couple indeed. Literally, together against all odds – and the laws of physics.
Apparently, no one at the Star has learned their lesson from Tori Spelling’s angry blog post about tabloids scaring her kids by putting her face on the cover with big words and exclamation points, because Tori Spelling’s lies are exposed in the Star this week.
She looks pretty but her divorce – the one she’s not really having – is getting ugly. Oh, and her happy family photos are staged. But without a racous musical score, don’t look for them at the Tonys this year.
You’ve probably been wondering what’s behind Khloe Kardashian-Odom’s sexy makeover. If it was “who,” we’d go with Kris Jenner. No one in that family makes a move without her. Anyway, if you need a couple’s costume for Halloween, before-and-after Sexy Khloe looks like a fun option.
In a big shocker, Sandra Bullock was invited to Jesse James’ wedding. A source close to Bullock says James has been engaged and unengaged and married and unmarried so many times that Bullock isn’t sure if she’s supposed to just go to the wedding or if she’ll wind up accidentally being a part of it. To be safe, she’ll probably stay home to avoid confusion and accidental marrying.
And Nicole Richie has gone back to being just bones, weighing in at a whopping 92 pounds. This is according to the cover art editor at the Star and not any official scale. Although it would be pretty cool if everyone on tabloid covers who’s accused of being too fat or too thin was allowed to weigh in like boxers before a prize fight.
Life & Style
The Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert drama is still alive and well at Life & Style. Now Miranda has had a showdown with the younger woman. Who must be pretty ballsy because Miranda has a lot of guns and is one helluva shot.
And of course pregnant Kim Kardashian is in pregnant hell. In a pregnant court victory, Kris Humphries proved that pregnant something was fake. It’s hard to say what he thinks was fake with so many fake things to choose from. Fake family. Fake relationship. Fake marriage. Fake ratings. Fake feelings. They probably didn’t even eat real cake. We’re not even sure the court case is for real at this point. But this pregnant drama is still pregnant fascinating. Or pregnant over.
Someone’s friends – yours, ours, Life & Style’s – fear that Miley Cyrus is self-destructing. A few more meltdowns and she’ll just be a puddle covered in tattoos with a bad haircut on top.
Get your OMGs ready to hear about Sofia Vergara’s miracle baby. Well, don’t get too excited. She hasn’t had a baby – not off camera, anyway – nor is she even pregnant. And, really, “miracle” isn’t quite the right word to use to describe the process of harvesting eggs from any woman’s uterus. No matter how supremely hot she is. Under a microscope, we all look the same. At least that’s what we tell ourselves to sleep better at night.
A well-manicured Khloe Kardashian-Odom has been rejected by her real father. Proving he watched the last season of ‘X-Factor’ like the rest of us. In fact, he has chosen hush money over his daughter. What we’ve learned is that he’s a savvy businessman. And in a moment of symmetry, Khloe’s his spitting image, while at the same time probably spitting on his image.
There is possible trouble already between Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici in some sort of ‘Bachelor’ baby drama. It remains to be seen – after a few dates, a whirlwind romance, photo opps, TV appearances and a new competition show – which one of the couple will discover first that the other one behaves like a baby.
In an In Touch, “You Go, Girls!” special report, Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon wore bikinis to some kind of boot camp. Every woman knows that having the body to pull off a bikini before, during or after pregnancy is tough. These two are learning that having the body to keep one on during boot camp is even tougher.
Kate Middleton clearly let it slip that she is having a girl baby. Or a boy baby. So the joke’s on her and the royal family because we now know it’s going to be either a girl or a boy! And it’s going to be a baby! We’re placing our bets on them letting us know which kind of baby it is sometime in July. BRB, gotta call our bookies.