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Gwyneth Paltrow Gave a Drunk Interview in Which She Toasted Hairless Ladybits

Gwyneth Paltrow
Enrique RC, Pacific Coast News

Gwyneth Paltrow, hot off her ‘Iron Man 3′ performance, has been granting interviews left and right with the hoi polloi to prove she’s just like you and me.

It was no different when she sat down with Australia’s ‘The Kyle and Jackie O Show.’

The Queen of Goop got dinner with the hosts on Thursday, May 9, and proceeded to explain how inebriated she was, like that freshman girl at the frat party who announces how smashed she is as a precursor to doing or saying something regrettable.

“I’m drunk already. I am,” she said (quotes via the E! Online). “A martini went straight to my head, and now wine. With no food. So just watch out.”

It’s dangerous for her to get drunk, because she risks eating something non-organic and ballooning up like Violet Beauregard in $1,000 shoes. And that particular restaurant did not have a juice-squeezing room.

Full of liquid courage, she then began dishing on her recent comments about never going back to the “un-fun” Met gala again, reiterating that it “sucked.”

She also clarified about her famous sheer dress at the ‘Iron Man’ premiere, saying she was only “kidding” when she inferred on ‘Ellen’ that the gown required serious grooming of her ladygarden.

“I said, ‘No, I got a big ’70s bush.’ Which I was kidding. But then it was all a disaster and now I look like an 8-year-old girl, basically.”

And because most designer dresses don’t have pockets, Paltrow had no place to store the names she would normally keep there — so one came spilling out when she said that Cameron Diaz holds her down every time she gets a bikini wax (an admittedly enjoyable image).

But alas, the kingdom needed her. Gwynnie can’t be expected to sit around drunkenly giving interviews all day. Her son Moses had an extra Coca-Cola and the supervising nanny who let it happen had to be placed into the stocks, so Ms. Paltrow took her leave.

We heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight, “Cheers to our hairless vaginas!”

And to all a good night.

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